


Remember All the Things We Wanted

by lodgedinmythoughts



Series: Coming Home [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers & Co Reunion, Avengers Family, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Birthday Party, Bittersweet, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, But the kindling for more is there, F/M, Fourth of July, Gen, Moving On, Old Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Steve Rogers's Birthday, Still unrequited feelings on Bucky's end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 00:34:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodgedinmythoughts/pseuds/lodgedinmythoughts
Summary: Another year has passed and another birthday is here, serving not as a reminder of what you've lost, but of all that still remains.Follows A Distant Place.





	Remember All the Things We Wanted

“Oh no, watch out!”

You turned just in time to dodge the baseball zooming in your direction, but in your haste, some of the strawberry iced tea splashed out of your cup. Flying past your head, the baseball quickly found its home when it crashed squarely into the back of Bruce’s hulking form, though the man gave hardly any indication he noticed.

You winced. “Sorry, Bruce.”

He turned around casually, the paper plate of potato salad dwarfed by his massive hands. “What’d I miss?”

“Boys?” Laura’s arched brow was visible even from the picnic table.

“Sorry!” Cooper shouted from the distance.

I'm

“Sorry!” echoed Nate.

You threw them a placating wave and Bruce chuckled. “It’s all right, boys, you barely made a dent in me!” he yelled.

With a minimally suppressed eye roll, Laura strolled over to the long table laid out with an assortment of food and drinks. “Please don’t encourage them. You think they’d have better aim, being their dad’s kids and all.”

You laughed lightly. “Maybe we should just leave that to Lila.”

She groaned. “Oh, no. Don’t you go putting those ideas in her head either.”

“Uh, guys, I think it’s a little late for that.” Bruce looked to the tree line where an archery practice had been set up. Clint led the mini-lesson while Lila assisted with the arrow retrieval and Peter carried a perfectly content Morgan on his back.

Laura gave a sigh that, while long-suffering, hinted at underlying pride. “And she’s certainly her father’s daughter, isn’t she?” After helping herself to another melon and prosciutto skewer, she headed back to the picnic tables where Pepper also sat.

Spread all throughout the back of Steve’s lake house was a group of people tied together by a shared experience. Young or old, rookie or veteran, they were all connected in some way or another in a vast and complex web of interwoven stories. It was a bond forged from unimaginable trauma, from days and years so dark that even the narrowest sliver of light at the end of the tunnel was inconceivable. In that way, the whole world—the whole universe—shared something in common. But in that moment, only one place in all the cosmos, only one group of people out of trillions or more, was something that, to you, felt most like home.

The sky was an unadulterated blue, the atmosphere free from tension. Lofty exchanges of birdsong echoed across the clearing, and sharp beams of light shimmered across the verdant grass like a herald that Thor himself soon intended on another visit. The visible dust motes floating about in the rays of the late afternoon sun lent a nearly dreamlike quality to the scene, but the fresh air filling your lungs was too pure and the vivid details of life too crisp that you could be nothing but awake.

Breezy summer music reminiscent of idyllic, carefree days played from the speakers as Rhodey, Scott and Hope stood chatting nearby, and by the refreshments table, Wanda and Bruce ate and swapped stories. Sam and Steve sat at the dock, fishing rods in hand and various fishing gear by their sides. Bucky, on the other hand, had joined them for a bit before disappearing inside the house.

Thor had sent his well wishes and apologies, occupied as he was as he hopped across distant galaxies on his cosmic adventures. Still, with all the people who’d found time to come together for the day’s celebrations, you couldn’t keep from noting with a heavy heart more than one missing presence.

In the beginning, every day had dragged. Every minute and hour was a perpetual and unabated test of willpower, until the days piled up and somehow became weeks and the weeks became months and finally somehow, the months became a year.

The ones you’d lost were gone, but their legacy was laid out plainly in front of you. They’d left their stamp on the world, and it wasn’t looking to go away any time soon.

“Any more of that iced tea?”

You gave a small start. “Bucky.”

He wore jeans and a dark blue henley, and his thick brown hair maintained its usual length and subtle wave. He’d also kept his beard, though it was a little shorter than last year’s. The color of his eyes shifted depending on the lighting and colors he wore, but out there underneath the early July sun, with a handsome face so often straight, his eyes gleamed with a kaleidoscope of blues and grays and greens.

You motioned to the glass pitcher. “It’s all yours. Well, not all yours. There are other people at this party too, you know.”

One corner of his mouth tilted up in subdued amusement as he reached for the pitcher. “Are there? Didn’t notice.” With a smooth movement, he refilled your cup where it lay nestled between your fingers. “Saw what happened. You barely got a sip in before that baseball came flying in outta nowhere.”

Unbidden, so quick to come and go you almost could have imagined it, something dormant and locked away under your breastbone came to life at the small gesture. “Thanks.”

He filled his own cup and studied the offering of food on the table.

“What’ve you been up to? You disappeared for a while there,” you said.

“You noticed, huh?” he said dryly as he tested the black bean salsa with an experimental stir.

Your brows knitted together. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

He shook his head and turned to stand beside you, facing the rest of the party. “It’s hot out here.”

“Says the guy wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer.”

“Gotta protect myself from the sun, don’t I? Or what if I told you it was for fashion?”

Your answering smile reached your eyes. Bucky’s gaze lingered on yours before it fell to your mouth and, eventually, fell away completely. He looked toward Sam and Steve at the dock. “They’ve been at it for hours. If they’re hoping to catch something in time for tonight, it ain’t gonna work.”

A part of you wanted to return to the previous topic of his choice of clothing. You knew he could still be a little self-conscious about his vibranium arm when he wasn’t using it during combat. “I think it’s more for relaxation than anything else. I’d say Sam’s earned it by now, wouldn’t you?”

“Shield looks a hell of a lot better on him than it would’ve on me, I’ll tell you that.”

He’d known Steve would pass the shield on to Sam. He’d even been offered, and he’d refused. It didn’t feel right. He hadn’t earned it, he said. If there was anyone at all worthy of the shield and everything it stood for, it was bird man himself.

It didn’t mean Bucky wasn’t still in the fight. It took convincing, but after taking some time to figure out what it was he wanted, he took up arms and joined Sam when he was needed. They were both reintegrated into a S.H.I.E.L.D. that, to many people’s astonishment, had been rebuilt from the ground up.

It was an ongoing journey for everyone and no one expected him to have it all figured out right away, but you, he and Steve were hoping he might find more answers along the way. You were also back with S.H.I.E.L.D., working occasionally as a field agent but mostly as one who worked in the Washington, D.C. office. The assignment was serendipitous, as it allowed you and Bucky to remain close to Steve, especially since you and he had both been given a spare key to the house.

You smirked. “I don’t know, I think it’d be a look, don’t you? Vibranium arm, vibranium shield. Of course, there’s always the danger of matching _too_ much, but I think the difference in design takes care of that. And think of the sheer power behind both the shield and the arm. And before you ask, yes, you’re absolutely right—thinking about this is what takes up ninety-nine percent of my day, thank you very much.”

He shook his head and huffed out a breath of amusement. “You got way too much time on your hands if that’s what’s keeping you up at night.”

You bumped against his sturdily built side with your own. “And I love it.” You drew back, smile fading as you took in his folded arms and mirthless expression. “What’s up?”

He kept his eyes trained ahead. “Is it really worth it? All this? Staying in the fight when I never wanted it to begin with?”

Your throat ran dry. It wasn’t often he spoke so plainly about his situation and feelings. “I don’t know,” you answered carefully. “What do you think?”

“I think I must be kidding myself here.”

“What do you mean?”

His gaze fell and he chewed on the inside of his lip. “Think a part of me wanted to get back in the fight so I could feel like none of it ever happened. Never stolen, never tortured, never brainwashed and forced to kill. Or else I thought I might somehow be able to take it all back. That’s what I thought I could do. Atone for my sins.”

The joyful sounds of chatter and laughter carried on as you searched for the right words, anything that might eradicate the darkness in him, even if only for a moment. You feared you could never be that person for him.

Then Fury and Hill sauntered into the yard, showing up as promised after taking care of some official S.H.I.E.L.D. business. You knew with the approaching dusk and their arrival, the birthday cake would soon follow.

“But you still do it to help, right?” you asked Bucky. “To destroy some of that darkness in the world so that others can see its light?”

He thought about it. “Maybe. But I’m not Steve. I’m not some noble hero that people are quick to fall in line with.”

“What? You don’t have to be. That may be Steve, but the rest of us are, well, us. You’re you. We all bring something different to the table and we’re no lesser for it.”

“You really believe that, huh?”

“Were you or were you not there when Thanos had that entire army ready to completely decimate everyone? You saw what happened. You took part in it. None of it would’ve worked without all those people. Had it been just a few, that day would’ve ended a lot differently and we wouldn’t be standing where we are right now.”

His jaw ticked.

“You’re in the fight because you want to right some wrongs, right?” you continued. In his eyes that were squinted in the sunlight, you saw the answer. “Then right now, that’s all that matters. Plenty of people go into things thinking it’s for the wrong reason, but they end up doing a lot of good anyway. It doesn’t mean that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it happens. At least you’re aware of it and actually have the power to make change in your own way. And maybe in time, your feelings will change. You said this was sort of a trial run, right?”

He nodded subtly. “I never used to be one to cut and run, but after seventy odd years, things tend to change. If this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“You have time. Of all the things in the world, that’s one thing you’ve got. Everything will work out.”

He peered at you with a strange look in his eye, and you tried not to shift under his scrutiny. “You know, you sound awful confident for someone who once claimed she’d never be normal.”

“Like you said, things change. Besides, it’s easier to have faith in other people than it is to have it in yourself.” You threw out a quick smile, one that didn’t quite reach your eyes this time, before grabbing a brownie topped with frosting and facing the rest of the gathering.

The radiance of the sun had already started to dim as afternoon faded into evening. On the other side of the lake, the copse of cedar trees was backlit with a halo of orange and yellow, and nearby, the fireflies revealed their pinpricks of light with tacit assurance, like that was how it always had been and that was how it always would be.

Steve and Sam had taken a break from fishing and instead stopped by the small circle of people Fury and Hill had joined. Soon after, Sam broke away from the group and made his way toward you and Bucky.

“Time for the cake,” he told you with playfully raised eyebrows. “You sure you don’t want to bring it out?”

You nudged him with an elbow as he brushed past to go inside. “Nah, you do the honors. We’ll be here.” With one last bite, you finished off the rest of your brownie.

The sound that came from Bucky was the closest to a snort you’d heard from him.

“What?” you asked, mild insult in your tone.

“Nothing. It’s just—Christ, never mind.” Shaking his head, he reached out with his flesh hand to wipe the corner of your mouth.

Your eyes went wide before you could stop them and the funny swirling sensation in your stomach told you the sudden rush of heat taking over your face had nothing to do with the sun.

He drew back enough that you were able to see the smear of white frosting on his fingers.

“Oh my god. Did that actually just happen?” You laughed in an attempt to regain your bearings. You were suddenly hotter than you’d been all day.

“Looks like it did,” he said simply. You were grateful for it when he turned his acute gaze away from you.

“Coop, Nate, get over here!” Laura waved the boys over. Her shout also caught the attention of Clint, who said something to Lila before slinging an arm over her shoulder and leading them to the rest of the party. Peter was already moving and doing his best to keep up with an eager Morgan who tugged him by the hand as she bounced her way over.

Sam exited the back door with the lemon meringue cake, making a big fuss about it as he went. Everyone whipped around as he hollered for their attention.

“’Ey! Cake here, get your cake! For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow…” His boisterous singing trailed off as he reached your side.

You and Bucky fell into step with him and together, the three of you approached the rest of the gathering as cheers and overlapping sounds of excitement rang out across the yard. Bruce led the crowd in an enthusiastic round of “Happy Birthday” and Steve, who sat at the picnic table surrounded by his guests, smiled in a way that told everyone how touched he was by the whole gesture.

“So, apparently Thor sends his best wishes from whatever hole-in-the-wall galactic dig dude’s landed himself in now, and King T’Challa and Shuri and all the other folks up in Wakanda want to tell you happy birthday as well,” said Sam. “But from the sound of it, you should probably expect something worth more than your weight in gold sent to you by the end of the week, and if that’s the case, I hope he remembers a brother’s birthday is right around the corner too is all I’m sayin’. All right.” He set the cake down in front of Steve and nodded at the ring of candles dotted around the circumference. “Make a wish, Cap.”

Though he himself now held the title, he was more than honored to share it with Steve, and addressing the one who’d started it all as “Cap” was a habit he never intended to shake.

“What’re you going to wish for, Mr. Steve?” Morgan hopped up and down at his side.

Steve rested a hand on his thigh and turned to her. “I don’t know, Miss Morgan, what do you think I should wish for?”

“A new suit of armor,” she said with enthusiasm.

“Whatever happened to your pony phase?” Pepper gave a droll smirk as she swept Morgan’s hair back.

“I want a pony _and_ armor!”

Everyone laughed.

Steve addressed Morgan, “All right, here goes. The only problem is, when I open my eyes, I won’t be able to blow out all these candles on my own. I’m going to need your help with that. You think you can do that for me?”

“Yeah!”

“Attagirl. Just wait one moment, okay? I’ve got to make that wish first.” Without further ado, he shut his eyes in momentary silence. Then, after opening his eyes, he motioned for Morgan to join him and after several tries, they blew out the candles to spirited whoops and applause.

“What’d you wish for, Mr. Steve?” asked Morgan.

Something twinkled in his eye. “That, darling, I’m afraid I can’t say.”

The convivial mood carried on as everyone chatted or ate. Afterward, with the graying dusk having taken over, you sidled up to Steve where he picked out another dessert.

“Still got room for more, huh?” you teased.

“I’ve got super soldier serum running through my veins that tells me I can eat what I want without too much worry, and that is something I fully intend to take advantage of.”

You laughed, joining him as he settled at the empty picnic table. Much of the party had dispersed again, with some taking up fishing at the dock and others going around chasing fireflies with translucent jars. A few had gone inside to grab the sparklers for the holiday festivities later to come.

Side by side, the pair of you observed the evening calm, the signs of life in the midst of encroaching darkness.

“Everyone’s going their own way now,” you said quietly.

“You’re moving on,” he offered.

“Or trying to.”

“Trying’s the best we can do.”

“It’s still strange, you know? Knowing that the Avengers don’t exist anymore. At least, not the way we knew them to be.”

He hummed thoughtfully. “The day the world doesn’t need them anymore will be a good day, don’t you think?”

You nodded. “But it’s like you said. There’ll always be a fight, won’t there? Who knows, maybe the Avengers, or some form of them, will always be needed after all. Only thing we can do in the meantime is wait and see, and be prepared.”

“And to think you once told me you weren’t strong.” He didn’t look at you, but the corner of his mouth was tilted up in a shrewd smile.

You wanted to bristle at his remark, feeling he gave you far more credit than you truly deserved, but he spoke before you could.

“Now, enough talking shop. Today’s a day for celebration.” He plucked a raspberry cheesecake bar from his plate and plopped it onto yours. “Word is Peter made these, and I think the boy’s baking skills might surprise you.”

Compelled to touch him, you rested a hand on his arm. “Happy birthday, Steve.”

He shifted his gaze to meet yours, the depths of an entire lifetime swimming in his eyes. He rested a hand on yours. “Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you.”

Scooting closer, you wrapped your arms around him as best you could, seeking reassurance from the solid, comforting warmth of his body. He enveloped you in his hold, providing a small measure of quiet to the unrest in your heart. After a year, the pain was a bit duller, but still present. But with time had also come the slow but steady burgeoning of something like trust and acceptance, and the ability to smile without feeling like it was for everyone but yourself.

Here was a man who’d stood on his own, weathered and weary, ready to take on an entire army with only himself and a broken shield. He was a husband, a father, a soldier who’d been able to find his way home after the war, after he’d given his all, and know what peace was.

You pressed a delicate, gentle kiss to his cheek. “Happy birthday,” you whispered, and rested your temple on his shoulder.

Afterward, the others emerged from the house with sparklers in hand and passed them around to those who wished to partake in the festivities. You joined some of the others in twirling around with the effervescent sparklers, sounds of glee spilling from your lips.

 _Remember this_ , you told yourself. _Remember this feeling, this wondrous hope you feel._

Somewhere among the crackling flares of gold and white, of blue and red, you caught Bucky’s eye. Arms crossed, he watched quietly as he often did, but you read him by the relaxed curve of his shoulders, the soft line of his mouth.

Tonight, he was at peace in his own way. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t easy. But none of you was ever truly alone.

With a small collection of fragmented hearts learning to be whole and laughter ringing through the air, you danced.

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to include more Bucky/Reader but it felt right to end it there. I know it's been slow-going so far, but I promise Bucky/Reader will happen soon!
> 
>  **Edit:** Okay so I saw the spot for TF&WS and at the very last second Bucky's wearing a blue henley and probably jeans and can I just say how extremely proud I am to have gotten that right with him wearing the exact same thing in this fic I mean 😂😂😂 it's the stupidest thing ever and not at all a special or unpredictable outfit but just let me have this okay carry on 😂


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